Doing some research on families, I Googled the following:
“families that are most successful”
The entire first page of results were examples of families
who had obtained the greatest monetary wealth, such as: “Top 10 Wealthiest Families In The World.” That
is an interesting insight into our society.
However, I was able to find some broader range measures of “success” by
Googling the following: “what makes successful families.” One result was the
website of Quentin Hafner, a family therapist from Orange County, CA. He gives
the following broad definition of what he deems a “successful” family.
“A successful family promotes a sense of
positive family and individual identity, fosters satisfying and fulfilling
interactions among all members, and copes with stress in a way that results in
more flexibility and cohesiveness in the family.”
Hafner goes on to list ten things successful families (that
fit his definition) seem to do. There are numerous such helpful lists.
1. Successful families have clear roles
Members of successful families know
there is a clear, equitable, yet flexible structure in the family that helps
each member know their role in the family. Also, as it relates to roles,
successful families also have a clear understanding of how decisions are made
in the family. Parents in successful families are leaders, are rarely
authoritarian, are clearly in control, yet openly accept influence and input
from their children.
2. Successful families are socially connected
Successful families are not
isolated socially and maintain strong bonds to a wider society. One way this
shows up for successful families is their ability to draw upon resources
outside the family for help. As the cliché goes: It takes a
Village! Successful families understand the importance of friends,
neighbors, extended family, babysitters, nannies, and all the other ways to
stay socially connected for social relatedness, as well as the importance of
asking for assistance outside the family.
3. Successful families see the big picture
Religious orientation shows up
again and again as one of the biggest factors that determine a successful
family. Which religion families choose to participate in, or frequency in
church or synagogue attendance is not of significance for the success of the
family, but more broadly that the family is aligned around a subset of moral
standards that orient the members of the family. Successful families see
the big picture of the meaning and purposes behind their being a family.
4. Successful families know how to adapt
Successful families have the
ability to demonstrate flexibility in the face of stressful life events for the
family. Conversely, families that become locked in rigid family rules and
family roles are generally unable to successfully transition through important
family life-cycle milestones and family crises due to an unhealthy sense of
rigidity in the family. Successful families know their roles, but can move in
and out for the betterment of the family.
5. Successful families encourage one another
Successful families are encouraging
of the individual members in ways that offer respect, support, and recognition.
Strong families are always appreciative of the uniqueness of the individual
members but also are able to cultivate a sense of belonging to the family as a
whole. The family structure offers a sense of safe support for the individual
members that encloses but does not feel confining.
6. Successful families balance the “me” vs. “we”
Time spent together is one measure
that routinely gets reports in successful families—not only in quantity but
also in terms of quality. Successful families appreciate their sense of
togetherness and live in a way that fosters bonding and connectivity through
quality time spent together. Also, successful families value the autonomy and
individual needs of each member and work to facilitate individual and family
development simultaneously.
7. Successful families honor the marriage
Successful families understand that
the marital relationship is the foundation and the glue that holds
the family together. If the marriage isn’t doing well, the success of the
family begins to be jeopardized. The introduction of children into the
marriage results in a natural—and normal—disconnection in the spousal relationship,
but successful families traverse this family life-cycle period and return to a
high quality marital relationship.
8. Successful families communicate well
The presence of effective
communication is one of most frequently reported qualities of a successful
family. Communication in successful families is clear, open, and honest, and
family members communicate with each other frequently to show care, inquire
into each other’s lives, and manage conflict in healthy ways. Healthy family
communication is strongly correlated with high self-esteem for family members.
Successful families understand there may be no right answers, but only
right ways to solve problems.
9. Successful families appreciate one another
Successful family members offer
each other a high level of positive reinforcement in their day-to-day living.
Successful families appreciate each of the family members and
maintain communication patterns that support and nurture this appreciation
through positive daily interactions.
10. Successful families are committed
Successful families a clear sense
of identity, unity, and kinship with one another. They act as a team and
inherently know each family member is a reliable teammate. It’s not uncommon in
successful families for members to band together in the face of family
adversity to preserve the welfare of the family.
More helpful research, done by the
University of Nebraska lists the six following characteristics they found that
strong families share in common. I’ve included this research results, because
it reflects a study that was done with no particular bent toward spiritual
values or perspective.
1. Commitment: They make their relationships a high
priority. This is particularly important in co-parenting families.
Reassure your children it is OK to love all of their parents and siblings;
don’t make them feel guilty.
2. Appreciation: They let other family know, daily, they were
appreciated. Teach and use appreciative language and gestures. Children
learn from adult examples.
3. Communication: They talk to each other about big issues as well
as small issues. Keep your communication positive, listen to all opinions
and don’t forget to lighten the mood with laughter when tensions are running
high.
4. Time together: They are deliberate about planning activities. Mealtime
is a great place to start. Include family members in menu planning, shopping
and food preparation.
5. Spiritual wellness: They believe in a greater power and have
shared beliefs. Model acceptance and tolerance. Share your views about
your beliefs and why they are important to you.
6. Crisis and stress: They are able to cope with difficulties and
crises—they are resilient. Be mindful of how others in the family feel
when things are stressful. Encourage family members to work together and share
feelings when the going gets tough.
Another helpful resource is taken from the following:
This is a body of research on families that are enduring,
cohesive, affectionate, and mutually-appreciative, and in which family members
communicate with one another frequently and fruitfully. They are families that
raise children who go on to form successful families themselves. They are not
necessarily families that are trouble-free. Some have experienced health problems,
financial difficulties, and other problems. But they are adaptable and able to
deal with crises in a constructive manner. The goal of research on these
families is to discover the conditions and behavior patterns that make for
family success.
The study of family strengths has been pursued by
researchers from a variety of disciplines, including psychology, psychiatry,
sociology, social work, and marriage and family counseling. Many of the
individuals involved worked to assist troubled families, as well as doing
research on families that function well. Thirteen of the leading researchers in
this field came together recently to describe their work in a two-day
conference in Washington . This document provides a report on that conference. Report dated: May 1990.
The committee found the following as characteristics of
strong, healthy families.
1. communication
2. encouragement
of individuals
3. expressing
appreciation
4. commitment
to family
5. religious/spiritual
orientation
6. social
connectedness
7. ability
to adapt
8. clear
roles
9. time
together
1 comment:
I really enjoyed reading this. Clear and concise. It states what we all know in our hearts, but don't realize in our minds. Great read. Thanks.
Post a Comment