October 18, 2021

My Criminal Life


            I must have been about eight years of age…maybe nine.  I was invited along on a camping trip with my uncle and aunt.  They had two children at the time.  My uncle was my idol. He was a former Marine who had served in Korea.  My memories of that are vague.  I remember a letter or two we received from him that had the little red and blue ribbon like border edges on the envelope.  My mother read the letter out loud, but my recall can’t pull up any details.  He had come home safely and gotten a college degree.  He was now in a job that involved working with young criminals, or those with significant momentum in that direction.  He new when a kid was in trouble, or soon would be.  He worked for the county probation department.

            I was a farm boy.  A good boy by all accounts, though you would never prove that by the declarations of my paternal grandfather.  We lived on the same farm.  I was a curious boy which often led to things being broken, turned off, turned on, lost or misplaced. Something in my DNA demanded that I try things no matter how ill-advised it might be.  In short, whatever happened on that farm was automatically my fault.  Sometimes, not often, I had never even touched or seen the object that was missing or broken. My “go to” line was, “I didn’t even know they had a freezer,” when my grandparent’s freezer contents had somehow become unfrozen.  I just accepted the blame for everything.  It was easier that way.  My redeeming trait was that I was entertaining to the family.  They all liked me.  Being the third born, I was the poster child for characteristics of the youngest in the family.  The rules didn’t apply to me.

            Keeping the above characteristics in mind, it is important to note that I grew up in a hunter/gatherer kind of family.  We grew and killed things and ate them.  When I would see an undomesticated animal my first thought was often, do we eat that, and can I kill it.  I wasn’t violent. I was a hunter at heart. 

            I noticed when we chose our camp site there were numerous nondescript birds flying around that, no doubt, had learned there would soon be scraps of food when humans came.  I was intrigued watching them. Inside my mind there was a conversation taking place.  Can I catch one, and how would I go about it was the burning question.  I decided the use of a projectile would be the best choice.  I scattered some crumbs on the ground a few feet away, found a suitable throwing rock and hid behind a bush. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before a bird landed to take what had been left.  I let fly with the rock in my hand and hit the bird squarely as it was picking up the crumbs.  It flopped a bit and could not fly away.  A clean hit…a kill.  Well not yet a kill, but with another rock I finished the task very quickly.  I looked around and my two much younger cousins were watching me.  I had just murdered a living creature.  They were town kids. They were horrified.  I was promptly ratted out and to say the least, I became “persona non grata” for the rest of that camping trip.

            I am sure that my actions deeply troubled my uncle.  He knew that any kid who would kill or torture animals would likely become the next serial killer.  It was only a matter of time until I would face him in juvenile hall.  I guess he didn’t consider my offense anyway similar to his when he showed my older brother and me how to make sling shots to shoot feral cats who were making tracks all over his new car.  Not an approved activity for a probation officer, but we loved it. 

            I never became a serial killer.  In fact, I no longer hunt. I don’t need the meat and I get no pleasure from killing animals for the sport of it.  I have no problem with those who do, as long as they process and use what they kill.   In fact, I have never been arrested for a misdemeanor, vandalism or even a curfew violation.  To be honest, I should say I have never been caught in any of those activities.  Since my career as a lifetime criminal never panned out, I became the next best thing…a preacher. 

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